Open to Miracles

I have a hypothetical question, what if I somehow through evolution or some other means I gained the ability to see other colors that most people can't see, in some ways I feel like that is my life. I see other colors people can't see and I see miracles people can't see and point to them and I want them to be and get excited, and they go, that's nice dear but if they really got what I was saying they would not react that way, they would be out in the streets dancing. What's the point in being able to see different colors new to the human and miracles if no one else can and feeling angels like william blake, and not be able to share. It's like discovering the ability to fly but when you go to show someone they are seeing it from their own perspective and in their own perspective people can't fly so they don't see you flying at all. I am describing the feeling in metaphors. I am not saying I am either of these people but I just think,  wouldn't it be so lonely to be Leonardo Da Vinci in his time who had the understanding that flight was possible, or Charles Darwin discovering that animals change through evolution and having to go against cultural understanding or Copernicus discovering the earth revolves around sun, I mean these discoveries would be so exciting and then to have them either ignored or worse made wrong because it contradict cultural understanding would be such a let down. I feel like you could speak the truth, say the earth revolves around sun and if no one gets it or understands it it might as well not be true, what's the point? 

I often have experiences where I feel like I am seeing shades of color others don't -I don't mean literally but even like making a piece of personal art work that you really love I feel is good example because it could be packed with meaning for you and it doesn't always mean that to someone else, and there is no guarantee that anyone will see what you see, like Mary reporting on seeing Jesus Christ resurrected or another example is when Harry Potter brings Ron to the mirror in the first book expecting him to see his parents whom to Harry is miracle but Ron sees his own deep desire instead - Ron seeing his own experience is not making Harry's experience less real but there is always this impulse to show someone. I am not saying that this is true but what if I am like unsinkable Molly Brown and I just stumble upon an endless supply of gold pouring out of the side of the mountain and you would want to run and at least tell your closest person, your spouse, your favorite parent or your best friend but what if they dont and cant see it because their perspective wont let them see it. 

Well , I am being imaginative with Molly Brown’s experience but what if it was an endless stream of gold? One of my deepest desires is to take my happiness I found and ladle it for people who feel so sad and miserable but I think they have to be open and receptive first. I mean like they could have walked past that mountain spot ten million times and if they are not open and I mean like, just a little bit willing to see something unexpected they are not going to see it, even if you wrap up it in a present form. This is really tender and feels like its mirroring a deep desire from my inner child, a desire to be so happy and find things like dog bringing its stick or its favorite toy to their owner because they are emotionally aware that they parents feel sad, I feel like I was constantly spoon feeding my parents who were very sad and stressed from trauma little miracles that they were unable to see.

The line "I was trying to ladle happiness to sooth my parents grief and fear and trauma" made me hard sob, it holds like a sense of profound failure and emotional distress in my inner child's body, like hudge grief, the kind that makes you lay on the ground and wait for angels to come get you, the kind that makes you open to feeling the light invisible touch that washes you with comfort and peace.

I also understand that just because my parents weren't open and some people won't be open, there are people just waiting for my ladle of little miracles.

That little girl part of me feels a big almost self-centered desire to be witnessed sometimes it comes out by wanting people to see and praise my artwork , not for selfish reasons but because I am still playing out this role with the world because my artwork is usually very spiritual and was like a last ditch effort to express and show what I felt and what I saw and wanted to share with others. Art and music has an ability to get past our logical centers that rationalize out what the heart know knows to be true or maybe it just allowed me to finally witness myself. I want finally someone to hear my story because she wants to finally just be witnessed, to be given a Gold Star for the good work that she did by trying to be her parents helper and not just a helper but also a consoler. It was never ever about filling the ego but because I loved my parents and wanted at an intuitive level to help them even at four years old or younger. I don't think I even realized how much I was doing this; it was for my entire life like my whole personality is like made-up from that role and I've been like just kind of thinking about what I'm gonna do with myself. I think the feelings and intensity will pass because I just feel kind of sad and it always does pass. I also want to stop trying to replaying this role, spoon feeding miracles to those who are not open. I am still going to make my art and express myself but it’s going to be for people who ready and open for what I have to offer.   The thing to do that comes to mind is turn that attention to myself a little bit ,Oh my God yeah and bring myself some of those little miracles and treasures and drink from my own ladle.