Life is Now

Here I am again. Beginning again, deciding to write and share my words online. It makes my stomach feel acidic and I feel jittery. However, it is really important to me to freely express myself. It's more important to me than how much it scares me or the shame I feel for starting only to quit again and again.

 I have let my fear dictate so much in my life. One way is worrying about how I am perceived by others and wanting to do anything to belong, so much so, to the point of self-abandonment. I protect my self-image at all costs, by never exploring anything new and unfamiliar, fearing being uncomfortable, or making mistakes, going the wrong way, injury or looking stupid and for me it has led me to where I have not really done much of anything in life.  I want to change this.

 I don't want to be an expert or perfect or a guru of anything. I just want to explore my life and live it wholeheartedly. it includes freedom of self-expression and releasing other peoples opinions and my need for anyone but myself to validate my life and even daring to forget about other people all together and just play in the moment… whoa… what fun.

When I was a kid and still now, apparently…I love making messes, getting into the thick of things and seeing what I can create.  I can’t do it very well when I am constantly worrying about what others think or fielding others questions about what am doing, because when I am in the midst of creating a mess, I don’t really know what I am doing…I am making it up. This blog, this post is me making a mess. I don’t know what I am doing. I don’t have a plan. I am not even going to edit it too much.  I will do my best to make sure the sentences are somewhat readable, but I am just going to see what unfolds. The goal is to just let myself freely express myself.

My favorite content creators are ones that are raw and honest. The creators share their struggles and messes alongside their inspirational Sunset Beach Instagram worthy posts. Blogs like this sooth my soul like a healing balm, because they make the gap feel smaller between my current miserable self and my creatively fulfilled self. They also make it feel attainable and show small steps I can take right now, making me inspired to action. Whoa again -that is a horse of a different color - miserable to inspired action.  This quality is what makes their content inspiring to me.

 To me the most beautiful thing a person can wear is authenticity and honesty. Expressing themselves freely…so I am going to do it too…just let the words flow out… I'm scared to write this… because what does it even mean to be authentic?  I have struggled with this concept because one of the things I've struggled with is knowing who I am outside my relationships with other people, struggling with people pleasing and codependency. Who am I to talk about authenticity when I have spent most of my life abandoning myself to fit in and lapping up approval and validation like water. It feel so good y’all. It feels so good despite being scared, finally finding my own voice to sing my own song and letting myself sing freely. To let my voice waver and crack because it does not matter if it is perfect, or the best, it only matters that it is mine.  I guess that is the answer, I am the one to talk about authenticity because I am the one that did not let myself have my own voice and expression for so long. It has been a lifelong process to peel back layers to find myself. Honesty and authenticity is messy, life is messy. Authenticity is learning not to censor myself. Life is improv.

Somehow, I got so scared of making moves of any kind, wanting to find the exact right words.  I would start over after writing a sentence, after a couple of words even…I was afraid I would be misunderstood afraid of starting new things, of not knowing, of making mistakes. I was afraid of getting up the courage to do something once only to not find the same courage the next time to do it consistently. No more. I am no longer going to let me stumbling over my words, stop me from expressing myself.  I am showing up again and again, no matter how many times I have stopped.  I am going to keep coming back and just let the words flow.

 To me authenticity is just showing up. It is showing up scared, showing up not knowing, and showing up with my truth in this moment. It is putting each word down on to the page without censor and I have found that with this practice it is like clearing pipes by just letting the water run, the water spits out air bubbles and rusty water and then after running for a couple of minutes the water runs clear and easy. It is amazing to me how I can find just the right words by just letting myself write freely.

 My truth is I have been scared of almost everything- talking to people, sharing my opinions, stairs, heights, driving, anything that feels mildly unfamiliar, new hobbies, new food, new people, new hiking trails, afraid of intense emotions (I have a lot of these), the list could go on. My heart starts beating fast, I get sweaty palms, my thoughts race. It is fear and anxiety.

 I wasn't always this way. When I was four years old, I would talk to anyone, saying hi to everyone I would pass on the street and striking up conversations with total strangers. I was curious about other cultures and dreamed of traveling all over the world. Once still at four years old, I ran straight past a sign that read “do not climb down”, down a very high sand dune in Michigan. I have distinct memories of this moment in my life, climbing down and back up with no fear, the thought makes my hands sweaty just thinking about it now.

Even though I have struggled with anxiety I have been very proactive with my mental health, seeking out therapy because I want to live a life that's full and because there is some part of me that knows that I didn't want to let fear rule my life. The thing is though, it was, still, ruling my life and making my world smaller and smaller. This is what happens when you don’t test your comfort zone by going past the edge, pass the do not climb down sign.  I trusted fear and anxiety because it would zap me with dread every time I did something outside my comfort zone and whisper, “ I am just trying to keep you safe.”  My comfort zone is tiny y’all. Here are some examples of accomplishments that I've have made with stepping out of my comfort zone to demonstrate how tiny this comfort zone has been.

1. Trying a sweet potato burger with vegan mayo; my anxiety says, “what if I don't like it. What if I have to throw it away? I will be throwing away $15. I am not someone who can power through food I don’t like. I either like it or I don’t. I might waste it.”   I tried it. It was delicious! But even if I didn’t like it, I talked myself through like a child telling myself I would get something else if I didn’t like it and it was brave to try new things.

2. I attended a new social group at a new church, hence anxiety around new people and new social situations.

3. Striking up conversations with new people and asking about their interests. I get so nervous about appearing too nosey, awkward, or running out of questions to ask.

4. Buying a checkbook despite my family's belief to avoid paying for anything you don't have to, therefore differentiating from my family and” how we do things”

 I'm dyslexic and I did learn to read and write through tutoring but the experience left me feeling stupid and with a belief that I was somehow defective and not as smart and capable as others so I slowly stopped trying things I didn't know or understand and I was obsessed with appearing like I understood things and felt intense shame if I felt like someone found me out for not knowing something. I know they call it your comfort zone, but I am a creative person and I love to learn and being in this box made of anxiety and limiting beliefs, was anything but comfortable, it was making me miserable.

My worst habit in life is to avoid discomfort and anxiety but it was making me miserable, like a grief for living an unfulfilled life. What really tipped the scales for me to want to make serious and determined changes was the deaths of my eldest brother, my beloved mom, my maternal grandmother and my uncle Donnie on my mom's side, and, my dog Louie, I always forget to include him. I lost them all between the years of 2017 and 2023. When the world was grappling with a global pandemic. I was still in the midst of profound life-altering loss of my mother who died suddenly in August of 2019. What I learned from these losses and I am still trying to incorporate is, life is now.

Life is now. Do or die. Shit or get off the pot.  Go big or go home. Are you gonna let yourself get to the end of life only to wish that you would have let yourself do the things you want to and things you enjoy doing most, letting yourself live and enjoy your life, as while as survive it.

I was going to say life is short, but it isn't always and a long life lived unfulfilled and miserable is no life either. A question I had been grappling with in silence was, what was the point of being alive and trying to lengthen it through health and exercise plans if it was just going to be miserable, anxious and boring and you just drop dead at the end, as my grandma always said shit happens and then you die. I don’t know how, but despite my families influence and crippling anxiety and grief, I am somehow a determined optimist. I have refused to give up and settle with the idea “ that is just how life is.”

I have learned another life lesson too, that there is a limit of how much misery one can take from life circumstances. I can't control what circumstance life brings me, people will die, loss and change are inevitable, but I can go into the attic of my soul and dust off all my big and little desires I have had for things I want to do in my life. Things that I put away because of my fears and society and family letting me think that there are more important things to focus on and say, fuck it I'm doing it.

I am doing it, despite the fear. I am going to figure out how to get pass the mountain troll called anxiety and try to do some of the things I have always want to do. I am turning around and walking straight past the edge of my comfort zone past fear and anxiety shouting “danger danger danger” to a room filled with all these things I desire to do but have been afraid to do because of XYZ and flipping on the light to take a good long look at what has been holding me back from doing them and getting them done y’all. I am not just doing them with my eyes closed either, I am looking at each desire and anxiety directly in the eyes and facing them. Fear, anxiety and shame thrives in darkness and silence they do not hold up long in the light or when talked to directly unless it is a legitimate tiger about to eat you. I am just not avoiding anything anymore but taking on each new anxiety directly and naming exactly what is out loud that makes me anxious about it, talking myself through it.  I do still feel scared but I mindfully notice and get curious about each new experiences and listen to what limiting beliefs are there with the anxiety. It has helped dismantle them and walk right through

I have been swimming a lot this summer and no matter how hot it is there is always the initial shock of how cold the water is, I use to tip toe around it, avoiding the cold water and drawing out the final impact of submerging my torso and shoulders. But I realized that once I get passed the initial shock of the cold water… the water often feels more comfortable and warmer than even the air. and my body adapts and I get to swim, something I love to do.  Every time I do something that I want to do, even though there is anxiety, I am giving myself the opportunity to expand my comfort zone, and like the shock from the cold water, the initial feeling of dread, unease and anxiety lessens and suddenly a new sensation floods my body, the exciting feeling of exhilaration and joy of living life now.